i am...

So I was cleaning out my oh so cluttered room today (yes, I'm a pack rat) and while in the middle of weeding out my drawer full of papers, I found this worksheet that we had to fill out in my Directions class Freshman year in high school. It was titled "I am!" and it gave you beginning phrases that you had to complete. This is what I wrote...

I am a daydreamer
I wonder how things got the way they are
I hear people laughing when others are crying
I see myself going somewhere in the future
I want the world to be a safer place
I am here

I pretend to hear something when I really don't
I feel the way I want to feel
I touch a hand when it is reached out
I worry about my family
I cry when I watch movies that make me cry
I am fearful

I understand the way people feel at times
I say things that don't usually come out right
I dream about things that will never be
I try to be there when people need me
I hope I live up to at least a hundred
I am calm

I am (my name was written here)

After reading through it, I couldn't remember writing any of it at all. It's a little corny, but it got to me for some reason. I feel like I knew myself so much better back then than I do now. I wrote it about ten years ago and you would think that after ten years, I would know myself a lot better now than I did before. For some reason, after sifting through the huge stack of papers, I feel like I had so much more creative energy back then; I had more conviction; I knew where I stood. What happened? I'm ten years older and I filled out that paper again and this is what I wrote...

I am scared
I wonder where I'll be in a year
I hear myself thinking a lot
I see my parents getting old
I want a job I love
I am learning to be more independent

I pretend to be okay when I'm not
I feel lost
I touch the stuffed animal I used to love
I worry about the future
I cry when I'm sad
I am confused

I understand that there are people out there who are in way worse situations than I am
I say put myself out there
I dream of owning a home one day
I try the best I can
I hope things work out the way I plan
I am waiting

I am (my name goes here)

So after filling it out again and reading through it, I just feel old. I was more creative back then and I did have more conviction. The answers are so different. I see the youthfulness and the optimism in the original one and then I see the maturity and the fearfulness in the second. I've lost that child inside of me that made me feel optimistic and hopeful, and I'm hoping to find it again. I am...looking for what I've lost.

finding mr. right...

So I'm 24 going on 25, and according to my mom and five aunts, it's about time I have a man in my life. I'm the only niece who's old enough who doesn't have a boyfriend yet, and they have all decided to step in and "find" someone for me. Awhile ago, my aunt in Arizona called me out of nowhere to ask if it's okay if I give her my email address so she can pass it along to the son of a friend of hers. She gave me a profile of him and everything...how can you say "no" to your aunt? So I gave her my email address out of politeness. I thought I was in the clear because weeks passed by and I hadn't recieved an email from anyone out of the ordinary, so I was happy and relieved...until...one day he actually emailed me. We've exchanged a few emails back and forth so far, and he seems pretty normal...we shall see...

The day after my aunt from Arizona called, my mom called to tell me that my other aunt had called her ask about me and what I thought about this guy who went on vacation with us. My mom thankfully said "no" for me. But what's going on? I'm only 24 and I'm not of marrying age, or at least it's too early for me. I plan on getting married like in five years, which is a long time away. And in my mind, I have a few years to meet Mr. Right. And if I don't meet him in five years, and I'm 30, then maybe, just maybe, I might ask for their help or try out for a show like Lisa Loeb's #1 Single (a fun show btw), but right now, I'm young, and I think I kinda want to meet that someone on my own...

favorite moment of the day...

when my dad came into my room while I was sleeping and screams "Happy New Year!" with his fists in the air like he had just won something

parents - can't live with em, can't live without em

A few days ago, I was really frustrated with my mom. We had a few conversations about what kind of job she wanted me to find, what she thinks I should do with my major, and what she thinks I should do with my design skills. I was angry that she didn't support me, that she couldn't hear my side or understand what I wanted. Ever since then, I've been wanting to avoid talking with her because everytime we talk, it leads to that whole conversation all over again...and no thanks. So I decided to come home to visit my parents this weekend, hoping that that conversation wouldn't come up again, and so far, it hasn't really...well, maybe a little tid bits of it, but I can deal with that.

Through all of this business with my mom, I wondered why my dad never breathed a word. And I realized it was because he dislikes his job, a job he's had for 27 years, a job he wished he could've left to find something better, but didn't out of convenience and stabilty. So he didn't want to get in the middle of it, between my mom and I, because he didn't want to take sides, because he sees both ends of the spectrum. On one hand, he'd agree with my mom, that I should find something in the meantime to have an income, but on the other, he doesn't want me to get stuck, feeling comfortable with that job and never finding something I actually want to do. So my dad not saying a word - I totally respect him for that.

So it's Chinese New Year's Eve and every year since we were little, my sister and I would help our mom put together plates (which would be used as an offering to the Gods) and bags (which would be given to relatives and co-workers) full of candy and other goodies to get ready for the New Year, while our dad would sit in the living room watching TV. This year, it was just my mom and I, and it seemed like it had been forever since I helped her. It was refreshing to just sit there with her, seeing her smile, without me having that annoyed and irritated feeling I've been having of her for the past week. It was nice. It's weird how such a small event like this can make things a little better. It may have not fixed it, but it made it seem smaller than it was before.

Parents are mysterious people. They seem to know things that you think they don't know, and they make you angry, happy, and irritated, but you love them anyway. They are the two people in the entire world, besides a significant other, who can annoy the crap out of you in one moment but in the next, make you feel completely safe. You can't live with them, but you can't live without them.

this is the year...right?

Life is strange. One day you were satisfied with it, content. The next, you feel lost, hoping that things will fall into place. You felt secure, you trusted that other people believed in you, but then you get slapped in the face with reality. People aren't as supportive and trusting as you think they are, and you're left with the feeling that you should just settle.

I told myself that this would be my year - the year my life would fall into place, the year where I would find a job I love and maybe a even a guy to love, but so far, it seems to be moving a tad slower than I imagined. I know it's only January, but I feel like it's been forever. There are days where I feel like I've done all I could do to find THE job and then I don't know what else to do with myself for the rest of the day. I'm living on a budget so I can't really spend or go shopping like I've been itching to do. I've run all the errands that needed to be ran, and watching tv and reading have gotten old. Do things really pick up or fall into place like people say they do? Because I'm about go crazy here...

good enough

I feel like I'm at that point in my life where I don't know where I'm going and I don't know whether I'm good enough to do what I want to do. I guess everyone goes through this at some point in their lives and I guess it's my turn. It's just weird because I feel like my life is out of order, and for those who know me, order in my life is how I LIVE. It's weird not having to wake up every morning to go to work, not seeing or talking with people you used to work with everyday, and not having to pack my lunch every night for the next work day. Things were always convenient, always comfortable.

So I've been at home trying to "find myself," trying to figure out whether I'm good enough to do what I want to do. A lot of people say I'm destined for great things, but it's hard for me to see. When is destiny going to hit me? I do feel like things happen for a reason and people always say that better things are to come, but I've always been the type of person who waits for things to happen. I don't usually go after things; I don't make things happen; I'm not ambitious enough. But I think I'm humble and I appreciate the things that come my way. I guess the question is, "Can I be both ambitious and humble at the same time?" I know some people who are, but that's the way they've always been and that's why I love them. And then I know some people who are very ambitious and used to be humble, but have now become richies who have lost site of what they've become. It's just hard to change who I am. It's like asking someone who's naturally funny to stop being funny. And I hate telling people to change who they are and I feel like I'm telling myself to do that, and I can't. I feel like I'm just not good enough.

quote of the month...

"Do I look like a tree?" This was NOT for Halloween btw...LOL.

in a daze

I was driving and it's one of those really bright sunny, hot days where the skin on your arm burns because it's exposed to the sun. It was really windy and leaves were flying everywhere on the street, hitting my windshield. There were papers and plastic bags flying everywhere - it reminded me of that one scene in American Beauty with the flying plastic bag. It's one of those days where I feel like people watching in the park. So sad I am stuck inside at work, bored out of my mind...=(

quote of the day:

"Where there's hair, there's smell." Although I did chime in and mention that where there's thick hair, there's smell because our arms and legs don't really smell...well, at least mine don't...

the best things in life are free...

So we had a party last night and I think it went pretty well. I love waking up the next morning with our girl friends, recapping what had happened the night before - people falling into bushes, seeing people's asses, going through all the blackmail pictures we took (always a good sign that we had a good time). It was a warm day with a breeze coming into our house and my awesome roommate cooked us all brunch and we all sat around just chillin' for a couple hours, not doing anything. We hadn't done this in awhile and I forgot what it felt like to just sit there doing absolutely nothing with a group of friends you love hanging out with, people you can't live without.

I had a conversation with my sister over the phone the other day and I told her we were having a party. She said, "Oh, who's all going?" I said I don't know; so far we have about 40 people on our evite. She said "That's it? We normally have parties where we invite like 300 people. 40 doesn't seem like that many people. How come you don't invite anyone else?" I said, "We don't have anyone else to invite. We really don't know that many people and we already invited friends of friends." Then she said, "Is this what happens when a bunch of introverted people become friends?" At that point, I didn't really know what to say and my response was "I guess." But I don't really think that we're all that introverted - my personality test did say that I was an extrovert...haha. Talking with my sister made me feel like our group of friends didn't really have that many friends at all, compared to her 300. She then said "I guess it's because you have a really close core group of friends whereas I don't think I have that. I have a bunch of different group of friends that we hang out with on different occassions." And I said, "Yea, that's true."

After that conversation, I thought about my friends and how we all are pretty close. Some of us work together, live together, and hang out together. People always ask us if we fight and get sick of each other, but really, we don't fight at all, and I don't think we're sick of each other either.

It's weird how all of us came together, like it was fate. I met my roommate at our freshman college orientation and we ended up, coincidentally, living in the same dorm our freshman year. I met another one of the gals at my orientation as well - she was my orientation roommate for the weekend and we didn't really talk or hang out with each other at all. Then one day of our senior year in collge, after four years of not seeing or speaking with each other, we ended up working at the same company for an internship, and ever since then, we've become really good friends. I met the fourth in our group, Soy Beans, through my next door neighbor in our dorm, a girl who used to be a good friend. Ironically, I'm better friends with Soy Beans now than I am with her. It's really strange how things work out. I guess my freshman year in college was a good year for me.

So I thought about whether it's better to have that huge group of 300 friends or having a small close group of friends, and I came to the conclusion that I'm totally fine with where I am now with my small group of friends. We have fun, and sometimes that's all that really matters - and I'm happy with that because I don't think we'd all be the same people we are now if it were any different.

burning down the house

So I came home one Sunday night aorund 9:30PM and Rich was the only one there, sitting at the dining table with his laptop. I go into the kitchen and noticed that he had his meet marinating out on the counter, so I asked, "You didn't eat yet?" He replied, "No, I'm waiting for the rice to cook." I asked "When did you cook it?" He said, "Around 8:00." I then proceeded to walk over to the rice cooker because it can't possibly take and hour and a half to cook rice. The rice was cooked, and had been for probably about an hour on the "keep warm" button. So I told him...he said "Shit! I wonder how long it's been like that! There's no green button to say that it's ready? Man, I'm starving too!" He then started to scoop the rice but it was a little mushy cuz he had put too much water...you should have seen the look of disappointment on his face.

He then started to cook his steak and I hear "Oh shit!" while I was standing at the sink. I turn around to discover that the pan was on fire and before the fire could burn anything else, he pulled the pan off of the stove and started to blow out the fire with his mouth, which surprisingly worked. He almost freakin' burned our house down! And he said "That was cool!!! It was like I was a real chef!" I responded with, "No, that wasn't cool man. You almost burned down our house!"

Guys...and this one doesn't even really live with us...

tyraid?

We, my roommates - two permanent and one temporary, were playing scrabble last night and who knew it would be as entertaining as it was. Two of them, guys (let's call the first one 'T-man' and the other 'Rich'), didn't really know all the rules. The first word that wasn't really a word that was formed was "tyraid" where the "T-Y" was added onto the already formed word "raid." Rich kept insisting that it was a real word and got T-man to back him up that I was almost convinced that it was a real word. The sensible roommate #1 (the other girl in the house) defiantly said that it wasn't a real word. She told them to use it in a sentence. Here's what they came up with: "The tyrant went on a tyraid." LOL...no, "tyraid" is not a word.

At the end of the game, we all had some tiles left and were trying to get rid of as many as possible. Rich ended up having about 5 tiles left, one was a "Y" (worth 4 points), one was a "Z" (worth 10 points), and the others were one point tiles. He really wanted to get rid of his "Z" and kept insisting that "oz" was a word. Roommate #1 challenged him and he lost but kept stating that it was in the dictionary - yes, it was, but as an abbreviation of the word "ounce," and abbreviations are not allowed in the game. He then insisted that it was a place like in The Wizard of Oz but you can't use pronouns, so no, you can't use it. He then said "then what's 'west' then?" (a word that was already on the board). I then rebutted, "It's a direction, like north, south, east, west - not a place OR a pronoun."

So the game ended and Rich was frustrated while T-man was laughing because he thought it was a funny game. Rich ended up going online to look up "tyraid" which didn't exist and "oz" again which was still an abbreviation and a place...

Wait til I tell you the next story about Rich...

some random thoughts...

1.) I forgot what it was like to go to dim sum - the loudness, the rudeness, the uncleanliness...but it's still really good for some reason...

2.) I saw this woman at the dim sum place we went to. I usually see her there everytime I go. She's a cart-er, and I wondered what her life is like - having to do that all the time...

3.) I was watching Elimidate and there was this gross guy on who called himself "Dr. Seduce," not "Dr. Seuss"...get it? hahaha - LAME! And then there was this other guy who couldn't get the word "stamina" right and he kept saying he had a lot of "stanima" cuz that's how he thought it was really pronounced...this was all in one show...sooo sad - I felt bad for the girl who had to pick!

4.) I went to a travel agency with my parents because they saw a special on TV. We get there and try the front door but it was locked and wouldn't open - they were closed but my dad tried to open the door repeatedly...and no it still wouldn't open. So on our way back to the parking lot, he decides to try the back door, thinking that that door might be open...hmmm. What do you think? Yea, they're funny like that...

5.) Who knew I was really competitive at board games???

6.) I'm such a sucky ass friend! I forgot to call my friends (twins) on their birthday and had to call them a couple days later to wish them a belated birthday...I suck!!! =(

pleasantville

I was driving home today and I felt like I was in a car commericial. It was like I was driving through the perfect neighborhood where cute little kids came out of their houses to ride their bikes in the evening, where people were out jogging after a day of work, and where people were out walking their beautiful golden retrievers. They were on almost every street corner I stopped at, at every house I passed on my block. I drove into the driveway of my complex with the beautiful purple flowers falling off the tree forming a sea of purple on the ground. It was a little weird seeing all of this while Frou Frou was playing in the backgroud. It was like one of those surreal events where things pass by you so quickly you don't even know what really happened because it seemed so fake. And then I got home and everything just snapped back to normal, but I kind of wished it didn't for a while longer. I kind of liked being in that fake little bubble for awhile.

The Golden Girls plus one

I was waiting to pick up my order of sandwiches this weekend at a Mr. Baguette near my house when four old women, all with short permed hair and wearing long floral gowns walked in. They stood out because they were all Caucasian in a predominantly Asian store. They all walked in not knowing where the line to order was since there was no real line that was formed. One of them almost tripped over the pole that was placed to indicate where the line began, so she quickly turned around to notify her companions that the pole was there and that they should be careful not trip over it. It was cute. It was one of those moments that made me smile. It was like the Golden Girls plus one, but in a weird way, they kind of made me think of Sex and the City and how those women could have been the "old" version of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. That made me smile even more. I just hoped that one day, when my friends and I are all old, that we would go out to random places like that and enjoy life like we would have if we were young.

parents

I recently found out that a couple of my co-workers, both around my age, had lost a parent - one lost his mom when he was 12 and the other lost her dad when she was 14. I found out in awkward moments where I had wished I hadn't asked the questions I had asked, but any normal person would have probably asked the same questions.

After Mother's Day had passed, I asked him "So what'd you do for Mother's Day?" He replied, "My mom passed away when I was 12 so we all decided to go hunting to try and forget about it."

On another day, I had asked "So what are you doing this weekend?" She replied, "I'm going to visit my dad on Sunday." So I asked "Where at?" And she said "At the cemetery. My dad passed away when I was 14. All the smoking and drinking that he did way back when finally caught up with him."

I didn't know how to respond to these answers they gave. All I could do was say "I'm sorry." But it made me think a lot afterwards about how lucky I am to still have both of my parents, alive and well, still happy and content. It's so hard to imagine life without them being here doing the funny quirky things they do that make me laugh, like how my mom bought shoes the other day for when she goes on vacation to Burma, but we don't really know when we're going, or like how my dad got this really ugly chair cover for his car seat because it was free and decided that he had to use it because he had it. Things like that make my parents my parents, and I love them for that. There's no one in the world who can replace them and I've learned to appreciate the time I get to spend with them because unlike my co-workers, I have the opportunity to do so and I've learned that I have to take advantage of that.

the 7th wheel

I was talking with one of my friends today about our "field trip" this weekend to the IMAX theater and science museum. Our friend decided to do a "remember when we were in elementary school..." day, hence the IMAX and the museum but sans the sack lunches.

Turns out everyone who's going has a "partner" or significant other whom they plan on bringing along on the trip. Let's see...three couples and single ole me...hmmm...that sounds fun! They assure me that it'll be fine, that it won't be weird or awkward cuz I've hung out with them before, which is true, but not with all three couples at the same time. There were always other single people there, so it was fine. They think I'm silly for not wanting to go because of this, but think about it - wouldn't you feel a little awkward? Like you're the 5th wheel, but in this case, a 7th? Don't get me wrong - I like all of them, but being around a lot of couples at the same time is just not my thing. The thing is, I don't want them to feel weird around me because they know I feel this way. So it's kind of weird...

But sometimes I feel like they don't understand. They've all been in really long relationships. I would say they're the kind of relationships where you know there's marriage in the future for them all. I on the other hand, have never been a long term relationship or even a short one for that matter. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem being single; I kind of enjoy it - being able to do things on my own whenever I want with whomever I want, getting alone time when I need it, and being able to check out hot guys whenever they're around without feeling guilty. But sometimes I just wish I had that special someone as well. And there's always those moments where you wish someone were there. So it's kind of hard for me sometimes to be around all these happy couples (and yes, if I sound bitter, maybe I am a little and I admit it). Sometimes being around a lot of people (especially when they're all couples) can make you feel lonlier than just being around a few people. I know that sounds strange, but I guess you had to have had that feeling before to know exactly what I mean.

hmmmmm...

I recently found out that an ex-co-worker of mine has a case at an immigration law firm my friend works at - weird how small this world is. He's getting married to a young Asian girl, one year younger than me, but mind you, he's probably about twice her age. They're applying to get her a green card - hmmmm.

He was one of those guys at work that all the women loved to hide from. He was not bad looking, but he was arrogant and self absorbed and very closed-minded. He'd frequently invite himself to lunch with random people and when that wouldn't work, he'd ask people out to lunch instead. He had a track record of asking all (well most of) the Asian women at our work out to lunch while they would try and make excuses not to go with him.

There was this one incident where my friends (a girl and a guy) and I were in the car, ready to leave for lunch. (Earlier that day, he had asked my friend (the girl) out to lunch, but she said she had brought her food and she'd be eating with us, which was true at the time, but we all changed our minds and decided to go out instead). Next thing you know, while backing out, he appears next to the car, opens the door, and hops in, inviting himself to come with us (damn, how I wish we just drove off or at least locked the door). At this point, how could we refuse? He was already sitting in the car! Anyway, one of the conversations we had went something like this:

Ex-co-worker (directing question to my Asian girl friend): So have you had any other jobs before this one?

Girl Friend: Yea, why?

Ex-co-worker: Because I know that a lot of Asian people don't really work until they graduate from school.

Girl Friend: What? I've had a lot of jobs before this one while I was in school (and she went ahead and pretty much listed her resume to try and disprove his theory).

At this point, I was sitting there thinking "Great, we have to have another one of these conversations with him." The next thing you know, while I was sitting there trying to eat my food, he leans over and wipes my mouth with a napkin. According to my friends, I had a look of horror on my face, trying to back away from him, wondering what the hell he was doing wiping my mouth - can i just say eeeewww! Who does that?

Example #2 of what conversations are like with him:

Ex-co-worker: So what school did you graduate from?

Another Girl Friend: ASU, why?

Ex-co-worker: Just wondering. What was your major because isn't that school really easy?

Girl Friend: I had two majors, *blank* and *blank* (I don't really remember what she said they were).

Ex-co-worker: Oh really? Well those are really easy majors and your GPA was probably not that high huh?

Girl Friend: No, I actually had a 3.9 and graduated with honors.

Ex-co-worker: Oh, well I graduated from...(I don't remember what school he said, but he went on and on about how smart he was and how much better his school was).

Yeeea, so see what a catch he is? So I wasn't surprised when I heard he was marrying that girl. The sad part is that I can't believe he found someone before I did!

dude, where's my car?

So we went to the Coachella Music and Arts Festival on Saturday and we all agreed that it was a really nice day in Coachella compared to the past ones we've attended. It was sunny, warm (hot at times), and there was a cool breeze that constantly blew throughout the day.

We started the day off with The Sexy Magazines (who screamed a lot), stopped by Katie Melua (who was very cute and British), saw k-os (very entertaining), waited for Snow Patrol (who was not very good live), saw Keane (who sounded exactly like they do on the cd), stopped by Rilo Kiley and Wilco, saw Weezer (who could have been a bit more entertaining), and last but not least, we saw Coldplay - the definite highlight of my evening (he was so hot, and I think it's partly because of his cute accent, and he played snip-its of Weezer and NIN which was cute). The crowd was singing along in unison and there was this one song where he told the crowd to take a picture at the same time - it was like a sea of flashing stars - very cool!

The day was filled with strange people - one playing air guitar and doing the Macarena (not sure if that's how you spell that) tp Coldplay (yea, I don't get it either) and another sitting on top of a guy's shoulders while letting another rub her ass (really strange but hilarious in a weird way - I guess you had to be there).

So the night was ending and my friend says that something is bound to go wrong because we (meaning her and her friend Betty) have never had a perfect day like this - something bad will happen. Yea, she totally jinxed us - we were headed out to the parking lot, following the crowd and not paying attention to where we were going. Next thing you know, 40 minutes pass and we had to backtrack to where we were to figure out where the heck our car was. We decided to ask a parking attendant and were curious as to how many parking lots there were - he replied "17." Our mouths dropped, all of us picturing us having to go to every single one of those parking lots to look for the car. I felt like we were in the parking lot of Disneyland except with no cute cartoon characters to guide our way, just big yellow balloons with numbers flying in the sky. An hour and some minutes later, we found it - all of us tired but glad that none of us yelled at each other because apparently, some of their other friends would have. I finally got home around 3:30 in the morning and fell asleep with dreams of Chris Martin in my head...=)

a really close call

We went to a co-worker's birthday bash at an 18 and over club in Irvine (she was turning 26, and none of her friends were under age, but this was one of the only places in the city that she could find with a guest list option). I haven't been to an 18 and over place in a long time. We went in feeling old, especially with all these girls in the bathroom with "X's" marked on each hand, a symbol for the bartenders to know who was under age. We met my co-workers friends, and my roommates and I drank and danced all night like we haven't drank and danced in long time. It was fun - my roommates and I left around 1:30 in the morning, telling each other how many drinks we thought we've had and who we talked to and danced with that night.

We woke up the next morning a little tired but decided to go to a Habit for Humanity workshop we had planned on going to anyway. On our way back, I got a call from my co-worker. She was at the hospital and said that there was a shooting at the club last night. I was in shock. She was sitting at the hospital covered in blood. Her boyfriend got shot - everyone said he was really lucky. The bullet went in his head (he has four inches of stitches) and made a u-turn, coming back out through the top of his ear. I'd say pretty lucky alright...someone was definitely watching over him that night. From what I heard, he's going to be alright, thank God. The security guard at the club though, wasn't so lucky. He was shot in the chest and had died that morning. I never thought something like this would happen to anyone I would know, especially in the city of Irvine, one of the safest cities in the United States. And you would think they would have already caught the people who did this, but they haven't yet even though there were quite a few witnesses.

My friends all said we were really lucky we left a little early that night. I'd have to say the same. Apparently this had all happened about 10-15 minutes after we had left...someone was definitely watching over us that night as well.