F-I-E-L-D...yes, that IS how you spell it

So this how dumb my boss is...

He goes into my co-worker's office and says, "I can't believe someone misspelled the word "field" in our database. I was looking it up to find a photo and nothing came up. I mean who spells "field" like that? FI-ELD? (pronouncing it phonetically). I'm going to change it and spell it correctly in the system so when other people do a search they can find it." So he went and changed it to "feild" because that's how he seriously thinks "field" is spelled. I can't believe I work for someone who can't spell "field" correctly. I seriously work in an office that can totally just be filmed and it would be like the show "The Office." So sad...

no light bulb dancing?

So I just came back from my friend's wedding. It was my first Muslim Indian wedding and it was nothing like I had expected. I thought it was going to be somewhat like the movie Monsoon Wedding, with all this music and dancing, but it wasn't. Maybe it was because that movie depicted a Hindu wedding, haha, oops. The wedding went on for about a week, with all these different events each day. I attended a henna event, the wedding, and a reception, all on different days, so it was a reeeally long wedding! And who knew Indian people ran on Asian time times four? When they said to arrive at five, they meant seven, and when they said twelve, they meant two...now I know. It was crazy...all those events ended up lasting about five to six hours each event. The food was great (even though it made everyone gassy), but I'm not sure if it's because I was starving by the time we ate, or if it was because it was really good. All of it was fun, but a bit overwhelming and tiring. I can't even imagine what the bride and groom felt like after only getting about two to three hours of sleep each night.

I've decided, after seeing all of that, that I would a like a small intimate wedding with family and close friends, that my wedding day (if it should happen one day) shouldn't be all about stress and everything being perfect, because what wedding is? I just want it to be fun, something memorable and not just a big foggy cloud of not remembering what the heck just happened. I hope I don't eat my words...

so close, yet so far

"So close yet so far - that's the story of my life," my co-worker tells me. I laugh and I say, "Ya know, it's kinda true for me too." I was so close to getting a job that I thought would be a great first design job...so close, yet sooo sooo far. I was so close to living on my own, being more independent, until I got laid off...so close, yet so far. I was so close to getting the ultimate dream job as a travelling food critic - I love eating and I love travelling, two of the most important requirements for that job, but how the hell do you even get that job??? So close, yet so far. I was so close to thinking I would meet that one person I would totally gel with for the rest of my life by the time I was 24, but sadly, I was only so close thinking it - no guy ever came along...so close only in my naive head, yet so so so far.

what did i get myself into?

I hate my boss...I guess hate is a harsh word, so let me rephrase that. I really really dislike my boss. I walked into this job not knowing what I was getting into. He had lied to me during the initial interview, telling me that their designs were similar to pretty reputable nonprofit organizations, and I saw some of their magazine covers and believed him. Turns out he not only lied to me, but also lied to some of my other co-workers as well. It's definitely not a good sign when on your first day of work, everyone, I literally mean everyone, who works there tells you how horrible the boss is and how horrible the work is, how at this place, any white space on a spread is prohibited. It made me wonder what the hell I got myself into. It's difficult getting used to having to take my lunches and breaks at a specific hour even though I'm not hungry most of the time, clocking in and out AND filling out a separate time sheet, and stealing photos and copy from other magazines and books without giving them credit and then putting their own copyright on them - yeah, pretty much plagiarizing and copyright infringement, but according to the company, they're not violating any laws because they're a nonprofit organization. It's so unethical, and the irony is that it's a religious organization. It's times like these when I wish that I had won the lotto, or that I was extremely talented in something, like singing, playing an instrument, painting, etc. But I keep telling myself that it's a job, and it's better to have one than not, right? But can I live with myself knowing that I'm doing something unethical even though it's technically not against the law? Or that I was so excited and passionate about designing when I walked into this place but none of that passion or creativity can be translated in any of the work I do?

The upside is that I love the people (except for my boss) - they're an awesome bunch. I feel like it was easy fitting in with them. It's hilarious watching my co-worker eat his lunch out of his desk drawer because he didn't have time to eat during our designated lunch hour and didn't want to get caught by our boss eating at his desk, or seeing some of them pretend to work but they're really napping or reading a magazine. But it's sad when people have to start doing "homework" (creative work on the side) to get their creativity out, and if they don't finish an assignment by the end of the week, they owe a dollar to the "pot." So who gets the pot you ask? Well, it's the person who finds another job and leaves that place first. If that's not motivation, what is?

that

Christianity - it's one of those topics I don't like discussing with people, especially people who are Christian. We always tend to have different views on things and the conversations always conclude with the fact that we both just have different opinions. I was never really a religious person, so when my friend asked me to attend her bastism today, I didn't really want to go at first, but decided that as a friend, I had no reason not to attend, so I went to support her because it was an important event in her life. It's not that I've never been exposed to church or anything; I've attended church, particpated in the stations of the cross, and sang church songs for eight years of my life at a Catholic school, but Catholicism and Christianity are two different religions, both which I respectfully chose not to join.

I have my share of Christian friends and they're really nice people, but it just bugged me a little that some of them always did the whole "Hey, you want to come hang out with me and my friends?" thing, and it turns out to be a church event or gathering. I'm not big on the conversion factor or when people try to push their views on me. I'm one of those people who have my own views and stick with them because I'm always sure in what I believe in. It's hard to bring me into a religion where I don't agree with every aspect of it. It's not to say that I don't repect it; just don't push it on me when I don't ask for it.

But at the baptism today, it was nice. They all sang songs in harmony, their voices in unison. People shared very personal stories about themselves and I even teared up when my friend made her testimonial. They were all heartfelt speeches, each giving a piece of themsleves to everyone there today and each having experienced at least one life changing event in their lives. After hearing everyone speak, I realized that some people just need that in their lives, that faith, that something to believe in, that religion that keeps them going. And I totally respect that, but I came to the conclusion that I'm one of those people where all I need is to know that I do have faith and I do believe in God, and as long as God knows that, that's all that should matter no matter what anyone else thinks or believes.

don't make other people feel stupid, stupid!

I took my mom to a Chinese grocery store the other day and while checking out, my mom asked the bag boy if he could use paper bags. Grant it, my mom's English isn't so great, so "paper bag" ended up sounding like "papper beg." But still, if I were the bag boy who spoke perfect English, I could've made it out considering all he was doing was bagging groceries. My mom repeated it twice, so the cashier finally repeated it to him, but it sounded almost exactly like what my mom had said, but he got it this time. So the bag boy decides to say in Cantonese to the cashier, "I couldn't understand what she was saying," and laughed. I guess he didn't know that my mom understands Cantonese, along with Mandarin, Toi San, Burmese, and English. So my mom repeated it to me, saying in Toi San, "Oh did you hear what he said? He said...(and she repeated what he had said in Cantonese)" loud enough so that he could hear. I just kinda smirked and I kinda hoped he felt stupid after he made my mom feel stupid. I'm just proud that my mom said something and I'm proud that she knows how to understand and speak five languages fluently, even though her English isn't perfect, but I give her a lot of credit.

tv makes me angry...so why do i keep watching...

So I was watching this dumb show called "Survival of the Richest," (I couldn't help but watch...) for the first time the other day and it just made me angry. The premise of the show is there are a group of "rich kids" (all born into money) and a group of "poor kids" (all in debt) and they are paired up (one rich and one poor person) to compete in tasks to win a pot of money at the end of the show. There was this one scene where one of the "poor kids" decided to have a cleaning day to clean up the house and I was shocked to see that some of the "rich kids" didn't know the difference between a broom and a mop, didn't know how to use a vaccuum cleaner, and never cleaned a bathroom in their lives. I guess they always had someone to clean up after them. I kept watching, and there was another scene where two of the rich guys decided to treat everyone to a sushi dinner. It was the first time trying sushi for some of the poor kids, and the rich kids were surprised that some of the poor kids didn't like it. The two rich guys flaunted their cash when they had to pay, showing how expensive the meal was, and one of the guys commented along the lines of how sushi was what people with money ate and was a sign of status. I was already a little irritated at this point but I kept watching for some reason. They had a task where they had to volunteer and serve food at a homeless shelter. One of the rich guys said, "I'm sorry I was born lucky...mission accomplished." Another rich guy said something along the lines of "I don't think I've learned anything from coming here except that I shouldn't be the one helping them serve food." The rich kids were all shocked to see all those homeless people, commenting that they've seen it in third world countries but didn't know it existed in the United States. What??? Where the hell have they been?! Apparently they've all been living under a rock...or I guess in their own little bubble in their huge mansions...

On a more serious note, I saw this documentary on PBS about the Tiananmen Square event that occurred in June of 1989. It's called The Tank Man and it's a really good documentary that I reccommend to everyone. It's an hour and a half long, but it's worth watching. I wanted to buy it to maybe show to my future kids one day, but it's $30! I've never paid $30 for a single DVD! Here's the link where you can actually watch it online if you haven't already seen it:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/tankman/

The documentary covers the entire event from start to finish and includes interviews with people who experienced it first hand. It talks about the aftermath and the choice China made between moving towards a political or economical progression for the country. It's pretty obvious which direction they chose and it's sad to see the extreme censorship that stills exists in the country today. A lot of the university students currently studying in China don't even know about the Tiananmen Square tragedy and a few big well-known companies in America that do business with China don't help the censorship issue at all. It made me kind of angry that companies in America (the country that symbolizes freedom) are helping to support the censorship in China. But I guess business is business right?

karma is a funny thing...

as Earl would put it. I truly believe that people get what they deserve in the end, whether it be good or bad. I feel like recently, it's been happening. A couple people who weren't very nice, got what they deserved finally, and a little voice inside of me, said "haha." Karma is gonna bite me in the ass for that...but on the other side of things, a couple of my friends who recently started their own business, seem to be starting out very well, and I think it's because they worked their asses off and to add to it, they're just good people.

The other day, my mom took me to go see a monk. The last time we went to go see her, she predicted the future (no really, she did) and helped me with the situation I was in at the time. So this time around, I knew why my mom was taking me there...to have her help me find a good job. So I went with my aunt and my mom. We got to her house and rang the doorbell a few times, but no one answered. We waited outside for a little bit and examined her beautiful garden in her front yard and her little shrine in the backyard. Flowers were blooming and trees were green. The door finally opened and she came out and directed us in. She's kind of young, maybe in her mid to late 20's and was wearing the normal peach orange monk robe. Turns out she was taking a shower. So monks take showers too? haha...she just seemed so divine, with her green trees, blooming flowers, and shrine in the backyard. But turns out, monks are normal people too...well, sort of. It amazed me that she was remodeling her home/temple all by herself - knocking down walls, putting in pipes, painting, etc. She did hire an illegal immigrant and paid him $10/hr one day to help her, but still, that's pretty impressive. She's remodelling so she can have more room for her temple/shrine area. She remembered me from the last time and said I got prettier (that was nice! haha). We brought her a pot of flowers, some oranges, and some Tide detergent. Apparently, the detergent is so she can wash away all my bad luck. She started praying to herself while my aunt whispered stories to my mom and I about her, about how she was invited to this furniture store to pray there one day to give them good business (which worked, so they invited her to come back once a month) and about this group of teenagers who came from New York to see her and ask her questions about their future. Apparently, she's pretty well-known. Well, she told me a few things about when I would find a job and when I would meet a great guy. Hopefully, it's true because I totally believe in her after what happened the first time I went to see her. It's hard not to beleive when what she said would happen, actually happened. It was weird...I never really believed in things like that...I was a skeptic like my dad, but hey, she made me a believer. But after leaving, I couldn't help but wonder whether or not I've been a good person, whether I ended up where I am because of fate or because of things I did, and whether the people I know today are people I met because I was meant to meet them or because I made myself meet them...hmmm...maybe I'm still a little skeptical...

But still, after going to see her, I felt like she was somewhat invincible, like nothing could hurt her. She seemed like a superwoman - remodelling her own house and picking up a stranger off the street to help her and being able to foresee the future. But then I wondered if the person she picked up off the street didn't do anything bad, like steal anything, because he was afraid karma would bite him in the ass, especially if he stole from a monk, haha. But do people really believe in karma? Or is it just something people just kinda say when something bad or good happens because they had previously done something bad or good? Well, if it worked for Earl, I'm hoping it'll work for me. I don't have a list, but I don't think I'm a bad person, and I feel like I haven't done anything that bad, so karma, please work your magic!

the power of three

So my roommate and I moved out this past weekend and since she and I were a little scared to drive the U-haul, one of our girlfriends decided to volunteer! We decided we didn't need any help from the boys, so it was the three of us lifting and hauling couches and beds into the U-haul. It actually felt kind of liberating - three girls moving all that stuff on our own! It was cute...whenever my friend needed help, she said "Power of three guys, power of three!" Kinda reminded me of Charmed, not that I watch that show or anything. But we did it, even though we were all sore the next day. It was pretty funny though...my friend's parents laughed at us while we were driving away in the U-haul and we even got a smirk from this guy driving by us - three girls sitting in the front seat of a U-haul...yeah, that's right mister! It was an eventful day. Tiring, yes, but very refreshing if that makes sense.

So I'm back home with the parents. It feels like I'm back from college, but I'm not. I haven't lived lived at home in about seven years, so it feels a little strange - I guess this is what not having an income does to you. haha. But it's kind of nice seeing my parents everyday and I don't mind all the home cooked meals either. But I've only been home for about a week, so we'll see how long it'll last...

i am...

So I was cleaning out my oh so cluttered room today (yes, I'm a pack rat) and while in the middle of weeding out my drawer full of papers, I found this worksheet that we had to fill out in my Directions class Freshman year in high school. It was titled "I am!" and it gave you beginning phrases that you had to complete. This is what I wrote...

I am a daydreamer
I wonder how things got the way they are
I hear people laughing when others are crying
I see myself going somewhere in the future
I want the world to be a safer place
I am here

I pretend to hear something when I really don't
I feel the way I want to feel
I touch a hand when it is reached out
I worry about my family
I cry when I watch movies that make me cry
I am fearful

I understand the way people feel at times
I say things that don't usually come out right
I dream about things that will never be
I try to be there when people need me
I hope I live up to at least a hundred
I am calm

I am (my name was written here)

After reading through it, I couldn't remember writing any of it at all. It's a little corny, but it got to me for some reason. I feel like I knew myself so much better back then than I do now. I wrote it about ten years ago and you would think that after ten years, I would know myself a lot better now than I did before. For some reason, after sifting through the huge stack of papers, I feel like I had so much more creative energy back then; I had more conviction; I knew where I stood. What happened? I'm ten years older and I filled out that paper again and this is what I wrote...

I am scared
I wonder where I'll be in a year
I hear myself thinking a lot
I see my parents getting old
I want a job I love
I am learning to be more independent

I pretend to be okay when I'm not
I feel lost
I touch the stuffed animal I used to love
I worry about the future
I cry when I'm sad
I am confused

I understand that there are people out there who are in way worse situations than I am
I say put myself out there
I dream of owning a home one day
I try the best I can
I hope things work out the way I plan
I am waiting

I am (my name goes here)

So after filling it out again and reading through it, I just feel old. I was more creative back then and I did have more conviction. The answers are so different. I see the youthfulness and the optimism in the original one and then I see the maturity and the fearfulness in the second. I've lost that child inside of me that made me feel optimistic and hopeful, and I'm hoping to find it again. I am...looking for what I've lost.

finding mr. right...

So I'm 24 going on 25, and according to my mom and five aunts, it's about time I have a man in my life. I'm the only niece who's old enough who doesn't have a boyfriend yet, and they have all decided to step in and "find" someone for me. Awhile ago, my aunt in Arizona called me out of nowhere to ask if it's okay if I give her my email address so she can pass it along to the son of a friend of hers. She gave me a profile of him and everything...how can you say "no" to your aunt? So I gave her my email address out of politeness. I thought I was in the clear because weeks passed by and I hadn't recieved an email from anyone out of the ordinary, so I was happy and relieved...until...one day he actually emailed me. We've exchanged a few emails back and forth so far, and he seems pretty normal...we shall see...

The day after my aunt from Arizona called, my mom called to tell me that my other aunt had called her ask about me and what I thought about this guy who went on vacation with us. My mom thankfully said "no" for me. But what's going on? I'm only 24 and I'm not of marrying age, or at least it's too early for me. I plan on getting married like in five years, which is a long time away. And in my mind, I have a few years to meet Mr. Right. And if I don't meet him in five years, and I'm 30, then maybe, just maybe, I might ask for their help or try out for a show like Lisa Loeb's #1 Single (a fun show btw), but right now, I'm young, and I think I kinda want to meet that someone on my own...

favorite moment of the day...

when my dad came into my room while I was sleeping and screams "Happy New Year!" with his fists in the air like he had just won something

parents - can't live with em, can't live without em

A few days ago, I was really frustrated with my mom. We had a few conversations about what kind of job she wanted me to find, what she thinks I should do with my major, and what she thinks I should do with my design skills. I was angry that she didn't support me, that she couldn't hear my side or understand what I wanted. Ever since then, I've been wanting to avoid talking with her because everytime we talk, it leads to that whole conversation all over again...and no thanks. So I decided to come home to visit my parents this weekend, hoping that that conversation wouldn't come up again, and so far, it hasn't really...well, maybe a little tid bits of it, but I can deal with that.

Through all of this business with my mom, I wondered why my dad never breathed a word. And I realized it was because he dislikes his job, a job he's had for 27 years, a job he wished he could've left to find something better, but didn't out of convenience and stabilty. So he didn't want to get in the middle of it, between my mom and I, because he didn't want to take sides, because he sees both ends of the spectrum. On one hand, he'd agree with my mom, that I should find something in the meantime to have an income, but on the other, he doesn't want me to get stuck, feeling comfortable with that job and never finding something I actually want to do. So my dad not saying a word - I totally respect him for that.

So it's Chinese New Year's Eve and every year since we were little, my sister and I would help our mom put together plates (which would be used as an offering to the Gods) and bags (which would be given to relatives and co-workers) full of candy and other goodies to get ready for the New Year, while our dad would sit in the living room watching TV. This year, it was just my mom and I, and it seemed like it had been forever since I helped her. It was refreshing to just sit there with her, seeing her smile, without me having that annoyed and irritated feeling I've been having of her for the past week. It was nice. It's weird how such a small event like this can make things a little better. It may have not fixed it, but it made it seem smaller than it was before.

Parents are mysterious people. They seem to know things that you think they don't know, and they make you angry, happy, and irritated, but you love them anyway. They are the two people in the entire world, besides a significant other, who can annoy the crap out of you in one moment but in the next, make you feel completely safe. You can't live with them, but you can't live without them.

this is the year...right?

Life is strange. One day you were satisfied with it, content. The next, you feel lost, hoping that things will fall into place. You felt secure, you trusted that other people believed in you, but then you get slapped in the face with reality. People aren't as supportive and trusting as you think they are, and you're left with the feeling that you should just settle.

I told myself that this would be my year - the year my life would fall into place, the year where I would find a job I love and maybe a even a guy to love, but so far, it seems to be moving a tad slower than I imagined. I know it's only January, but I feel like it's been forever. There are days where I feel like I've done all I could do to find THE job and then I don't know what else to do with myself for the rest of the day. I'm living on a budget so I can't really spend or go shopping like I've been itching to do. I've run all the errands that needed to be ran, and watching tv and reading have gotten old. Do things really pick up or fall into place like people say they do? Because I'm about go crazy here...

good enough

I feel like I'm at that point in my life where I don't know where I'm going and I don't know whether I'm good enough to do what I want to do. I guess everyone goes through this at some point in their lives and I guess it's my turn. It's just weird because I feel like my life is out of order, and for those who know me, order in my life is how I LIVE. It's weird not having to wake up every morning to go to work, not seeing or talking with people you used to work with everyday, and not having to pack my lunch every night for the next work day. Things were always convenient, always comfortable.

So I've been at home trying to "find myself," trying to figure out whether I'm good enough to do what I want to do. A lot of people say I'm destined for great things, but it's hard for me to see. When is destiny going to hit me? I do feel like things happen for a reason and people always say that better things are to come, but I've always been the type of person who waits for things to happen. I don't usually go after things; I don't make things happen; I'm not ambitious enough. But I think I'm humble and I appreciate the things that come my way. I guess the question is, "Can I be both ambitious and humble at the same time?" I know some people who are, but that's the way they've always been and that's why I love them. And then I know some people who are very ambitious and used to be humble, but have now become richies who have lost site of what they've become. It's just hard to change who I am. It's like asking someone who's naturally funny to stop being funny. And I hate telling people to change who they are and I feel like I'm telling myself to do that, and I can't. I feel like I'm just not good enough.

quote of the month...

"Do I look like a tree?" This was NOT for Halloween btw...LOL.

in a daze

I was driving and it's one of those really bright sunny, hot days where the skin on your arm burns because it's exposed to the sun. It was really windy and leaves were flying everywhere on the street, hitting my windshield. There were papers and plastic bags flying everywhere - it reminded me of that one scene in American Beauty with the flying plastic bag. It's one of those days where I feel like people watching in the park. So sad I am stuck inside at work, bored out of my mind...=(

quote of the day:

"Where there's hair, there's smell." Although I did chime in and mention that where there's thick hair, there's smell because our arms and legs don't really smell...well, at least mine don't...

the best things in life are free...

So we had a party last night and I think it went pretty well. I love waking up the next morning with our girl friends, recapping what had happened the night before - people falling into bushes, seeing people's asses, going through all the blackmail pictures we took (always a good sign that we had a good time). It was a warm day with a breeze coming into our house and my awesome roommate cooked us all brunch and we all sat around just chillin' for a couple hours, not doing anything. We hadn't done this in awhile and I forgot what it felt like to just sit there doing absolutely nothing with a group of friends you love hanging out with, people you can't live without.

I had a conversation with my sister over the phone the other day and I told her we were having a party. She said, "Oh, who's all going?" I said I don't know; so far we have about 40 people on our evite. She said "That's it? We normally have parties where we invite like 300 people. 40 doesn't seem like that many people. How come you don't invite anyone else?" I said, "We don't have anyone else to invite. We really don't know that many people and we already invited friends of friends." Then she said, "Is this what happens when a bunch of introverted people become friends?" At that point, I didn't really know what to say and my response was "I guess." But I don't really think that we're all that introverted - my personality test did say that I was an extrovert...haha. Talking with my sister made me feel like our group of friends didn't really have that many friends at all, compared to her 300. She then said "I guess it's because you have a really close core group of friends whereas I don't think I have that. I have a bunch of different group of friends that we hang out with on different occassions." And I said, "Yea, that's true."

After that conversation, I thought about my friends and how we all are pretty close. Some of us work together, live together, and hang out together. People always ask us if we fight and get sick of each other, but really, we don't fight at all, and I don't think we're sick of each other either.

It's weird how all of us came together, like it was fate. I met my roommate at our freshman college orientation and we ended up, coincidentally, living in the same dorm our freshman year. I met another one of the gals at my orientation as well - she was my orientation roommate for the weekend and we didn't really talk or hang out with each other at all. Then one day of our senior year in collge, after four years of not seeing or speaking with each other, we ended up working at the same company for an internship, and ever since then, we've become really good friends. I met the fourth in our group, Soy Beans, through my next door neighbor in our dorm, a girl who used to be a good friend. Ironically, I'm better friends with Soy Beans now than I am with her. It's really strange how things work out. I guess my freshman year in college was a good year for me.

So I thought about whether it's better to have that huge group of 300 friends or having a small close group of friends, and I came to the conclusion that I'm totally fine with where I am now with my small group of friends. We have fun, and sometimes that's all that really matters - and I'm happy with that because I don't think we'd all be the same people we are now if it were any different.

burning down the house

So I came home one Sunday night aorund 9:30PM and Rich was the only one there, sitting at the dining table with his laptop. I go into the kitchen and noticed that he had his meet marinating out on the counter, so I asked, "You didn't eat yet?" He replied, "No, I'm waiting for the rice to cook." I asked "When did you cook it?" He said, "Around 8:00." I then proceeded to walk over to the rice cooker because it can't possibly take and hour and a half to cook rice. The rice was cooked, and had been for probably about an hour on the "keep warm" button. So I told him...he said "Shit! I wonder how long it's been like that! There's no green button to say that it's ready? Man, I'm starving too!" He then started to scoop the rice but it was a little mushy cuz he had put too much water...you should have seen the look of disappointment on his face.

He then started to cook his steak and I hear "Oh shit!" while I was standing at the sink. I turn around to discover that the pan was on fire and before the fire could burn anything else, he pulled the pan off of the stove and started to blow out the fire with his mouth, which surprisingly worked. He almost freakin' burned our house down! And he said "That was cool!!! It was like I was a real chef!" I responded with, "No, that wasn't cool man. You almost burned down our house!"

Guys...and this one doesn't even really live with us...